So it has almost been officially 8 weeks since my 13 disc spinal fusion. The mental/emotional aspect is just as difficult if not more than the physical pain. Spending the majority of my time alone in a bedroom working from bed (which is NOT easy when you have as much paperwork as I do) and watching repeats of 90210, Sex and the City, other shows I've seen a thousand times and DIY, HGTV, Turner Classic Movies, etc is extremely boring and monotonous. Indescribably.
It is very difficult to work when I am in so much pain, and it's practically impossible to work on pain medication. My physical therapist says I am trying to wean myself off the medication too quickly. She says if I allow my body to become to stressed and fatigued while in pain that I am only doing damage to my body by slowing my healing process. I HATE pain medication. It makes me nauseous, dizzy, light headed, gives me a feeling of vertigo, confused, forgetful, not to mention the extreme nausea and vomiting like I experienced on Tuesday. I spent the early morning hours on Tuesday sitting straight up and vomiting into a trash can in our bathroom. The pain, stress, and straining that caused my back is unexplainable. I can't take it if I have to drive so I have to grin and bear it while suffering immensely. Sadly, I think there is one sick person out there who actually gains pleasure by this. Isn't that sad?
So I will be at 2 months tomorrow and my scar looks AMAZING! My back hurts all day every day. It's at the point where it's uncomfortable rather than painful sometimes which is much easier to deal with. I have begun doing actual exercises in physical therapy as opposed to breathing exercises and her doing very minimal stretching with me. I actually did some calf raises, sliding with my back against the wall down into a sitting position (hold for 5-10 seconds), and then a bunch of exercises on the table. I will upload the exercises my physical therapist tailored to fit my body exactly where it is in the healing process and what exactly it needs. I am very lucky to have found Moreno Spine & Scoliosis. Anytime I have questions, pain, concerns, need advice, they respond to me immediately and put me at ease. They are the best surgeons office I have ever personally dealt with, and I've been through about 7. Not counting Shriners' Hospital which is an amazing place that I can say only wonderful positive things about.
As difficult as everything is with my recovery and day to day life the terrible dark looming cloud of this court battle will be over soon, I am sure of it. Truth, honesty, and unselfish good intentions always prevail in the end. I just have to believe that. It might be taking longer than we hoped, but it will all come to the surface and be seen for what it really is in the end. Nothing done with negative, selfish, deluded intentions perpetuated by feelings of hatred, jealousy and bitterness can ever bring anything positive to fruition. I feel that is true deep within my soul. Kevin and I have never done anything intentionally or unintentionally that would hurt or harm Dominic or his relationship with his mother or his new step-father. Even after all of this we still never would, and that is why I know everything is going to be fine and we are going to get our boy back.
I am focusing on the positive, the future, and things to come.My healing process that is for the most part going well and moving forward. Kevin's business is bit by bit getting off the ground. I am really excited about seeing him so focused and driven with something again. He is SO close to finishing his degree which could not make me any more proud! He deserves more than anything to walk across a stage and get his bachelor's degree from the university he has always cherished and admired. I am so happy to have been a part of his journey leading up to this great accomplishment and milestone in our lives.
Through everything that he has been through, SO many trials and struggles with his ex and fighting to stay in their son's life and going between jobs and school to balance what is right for him but always doing what helps his family first and in place of his desires. That is only one of the countless reasons why I am madly in love with him and know he is my soulmate. After all of that, and especially what she has put us all and the child through Kevin really deserves something positive for himself that he accomplished without help from anyone else (okay, so I've helped with a paper or two-only subjects he knows I'm interested in because I'm a super nerd) that he put off and sacrificed for his child, ex-wife, and even myself on occasion.
I have tried VERY hard to do whatever it takes financially, physically, and with Dominic along with in our home so that Kevin can realize his dreams as well. I feel our relationship is fairly even and that we both allow ourselves and one another the time we want and deserve to do our own thing and work towards our future in our careers and family. I am totally off topic, but going through this surgery has changed me forever and made me look at the world in an entirely different way. Things that I used to care so much about and have a fit over seem so trivial and petty. Little moments like watching the sunset while we're driving Dom from school or seeing the sunrise over the water with the airport (his favorite) in the distance burn a small memory into my brain that I know I will cherish forever. Those are the things I have to try to focus on. And work of course, work work work. Reports reports reports. I live for my crackberry, quickbooks, and excel. Without them, I would be lost.
Enough of my venting. Physically, I am doing pretty well. I am on a good path. Starting physical therapy earlier than the vast majority of patients. Hopefully I am not pushing myself too much too soon, which more thank likely I am because I have a tendency to do that.
My inspirational quote today. "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you've gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton
Always With Karma,
Amanda
