Thursday, December 29, 2011

Is there ever a "good" time for major life changing surgery?

So, lot's to talk about since my last post. My body rejected the IVC Filter and I had to go back to Tampa General Hospital and have it removed through my jugular only 6 days after having it put in. I was in excruciating pain. It felt like someone was stabbing me in my kidneys and dragging knives through my back and abdomen. I could barely stand or walk on day 5 after the implant. This may be an overshare, a lot on this blog probably will be, but I was also having terrible diarrhea for 48 hours and it was not related to anything I had eaten. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain so I was masking it for awhile and trying not to make a big deal out of it. The next morning I got up and it was so bad I told Kevin and he basically made me call the hospital.

So I call TGH and tell her my symptoms and she said for me to come down immediately and have it removed. I began crying hysterically. Are you kidding me? That's literally what I said to the nurse on the phone. I JUST had this thing put in, I'm supposed to be healed after 5 days, and this is day 6. It was still early in the morning and I hadn't eaten anything so it was now, or live like this until that evening or the next morning. There was NO way I could wait an entire day like that. This was an emergency room situation. And when it comes to health related matters I tend to just push through it until it goes away. This is how I almost killed myself with an untreated bleeding ulcer, but that's a story for another day.

Kevin took the afternoon off work and we went straight to the hospital and had it taken out. The removal was much more painful than the insert. The pain was MUCH more tolerable than what I was dealing with from my body rejecting the implant. My amazing surgeon Dr. Anthony Moreno called to check up on me and talk to me about it. He said he thinks because I am so small, thin, and athletic, that it was probably pushing on a nerve and my body couldn't tolerate it. It's been a week now and I'm finally feeling 90% better. Tomorrow, my workout routine resumes!

I am most disappointed that I lost two weeks of exercising in preparation for my surgery. I want to be Sarah Jessica Parker ripped before I go into this and I'm proud to say that I am well on my way. I have been working out 5 days a week at least an hour and a half to two hours. An hour of Pilates/Yoga and major core strengthening exercises (modified of course for my scoliosis, see previous posts or my twitter) and at least 45 minutes of strength training/weight lifting. 5 pound weights only; I do have a severe back problem.

So it's literally three weeks from today until what I am calling "slice and dice time." Tact has never been my forte. Some may be offended by this terminology, but it's my surgery and if making jokes helps me cope then you'll have to deal. I would say I am about 75% ready. And I think that's as ready as I am ever going to be. I have been seeing my counselor every other week and I am kicking it up to once a week until the surgery. If you are going to have a major back surgery and have insurance and/or the opportunity to see a mental health counselor/therapist before your operation I highly recommend it. Dr. Moreno said it was a good idea as well. She has really been helping me calm down, not stress about things I can not control, not over thinking possible negative outcomes or complications, and also cope with the work and personal stress I'm dealing with on top of it.

In hindsight, for people in 2011 going forward if you have a severe scoliotic curvature and they recommend surgery for you in high school...do it. Obviously again I am not any type of doctor, therapist, or authority or giving medical advice to others. These are all my opinions based on personal experience. And personally, doing this as a teenage with far less responsibilities (no offense) would be so much less stressful.

I keep worrying about missing work, missing work, Kevin's work, Dominic, my friends and family taking time off of work and the burden I am going to be putting on them. What is my boss going to do without me (have a complete meltdown) and I'm thinking maybe I should postpone. Maybe I should wait a couple weeks, months, etc. STOP! Really...when is it ever a good time to have a major life altering surgery? Open heart triple bypass, brain surgery, tumor removal, 8-12 hour spinal reconstruction...the answer is NEVER! Who is ever fully prepared for something like this? No one.

I would be a fool if I wasn't nervous, scared, a little sick at times, petrified, stressed to the max, thinking of all the complications and things that could possibly go wrong. I am also very excited for the outcome. I know it is going to be a long road of recovery but again, I have a VERY high tolerance for pain and honestly I am not at all afraid or worried about the pain. Complications, loss of bladder/bowel control, having a stroke during surgery, neurological damage, losing feeling in my legs, my body rejecting the bone marrow from the cadaver or the metal. Those are my worries. And they just go on and on.

So what is the answer? Like Nike says, "Just Do It!" Like ripping off a band-aid or pulling a tooth. When I was a little girl and would get a loose tooth, I would wrap a napkin and just yank it out. The quicker the better. That's where I'm at now with my back surgery. I have been waiting for 12 years to find Dr. Moreno and I can not let this opportunity pass me by. Even now I am in unbelievable pain, wearing my tens unit, ice pack on lower back, heating pad on upper and situated just so on the bed so that the pain is as minimal as possible. I can't sit or stand for longer than 20 minutes. I can't wear a purse when I go shopping because it pinches a nerve in my hip and I can't walk. I can't shop over 45 minutes without having to take breaks and crouch down on the ground and bend over and kind of touch my toes but relax to stretch it all out and release the tension. When we go to theme parks, I have to crouch every time we stop while standing in a long line for a ride because my back pain from just STANDING is so excruciating. It's honestly humiliating. I always wonder what people think. They look at my strange and I don't think they know what to think. It makes me almost cry now from the frustration. The time to fix this is now.

There will never be an opportune time to have a major operation that will have me prisoner in my bed for months. With my career, Kevin's, Dominic, maintaining the house, family stuff, holidays, friend's and family's birthdays/graduations/weddings, tires blowing or OOPS needing a new starter, we will always have major stresses in our lives and something going on that could be a reason to postpone. I will not allow myself to make any more excuses.

I am ready to begin my road to recovery. I'm ready to have even shoulders, hips, quit padding one cup of my bra with $50 Victoria Secret inserts (that's what I meant about the over-sharing), altering my clothes for my deformity, grow 3 inches, sleep without pillows arranged around my body to prevent my hip from popping out of place, not being able to hug my boyfriend or his son or pick up my friends small children. I can't reach into my lower cupboards; I have to squat. I have to lift one leg up when bending over from standing straight if I drop something on the ground to pick it back up. I could sit here and come up with loads of reasons to postpone the surgery, but my body is screaming to do it now. I am ready for the new improved, practically non-Scoliotic Amanda. And I am only 20 days away! Wow!

Always With Karma,

Amanda

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Getting through it

Today is a tough day, but not as much so as I thought it would be. That gives me a lot of hope. I had an IVC Filter put in today. It's an Inferior Vena Cava Filter. It prevents anti-coagulation and blood clots. The procedure was fairly minor and only took about a half an hour. The timeline and sedation was similar to an endoscopy or colonoscopy, except really painful afterward.

I have 36 days until surgery, and I am scared. I am also relieved and excited to get it fixed and begin healing. I am hoping I will be among the 80% of reconstructive/fusion patients that experience significant relief of pain. The surgeon said I am at a higher risk for blood clots and so the device is necessary, and anything that will help aid my recovery and rehab is a go! My family is amazing. My Dad, brothers (one drove me), Aunt, Cousin, and Grandfather all came and waited with me before I went in. Kevin, being the amazing and wonderfully supportive boyfriend he is, surprised me and showed up at the hospital in the recovery room. I have no words to describe what a fantastic surprise or how comforting it was to wake up with him there. It only reaffirms for me how lucky I am to have a true and loving partner and soul mate, and a healthy almost 9 year old "not step son," a close supportive family and friends, and a great physical therapist and support groups.  

Long story short (if you haven't noticed I tend to ramble) they went through my veins with some wires and catheters and implanted this filtration device into my renal gland. Luckily I was under the twilight sedation, otherwise I would have fainted and became hysterical. I don't deal well with medical, hospital, dental anything. At all. Total wimp when it comes to needles, wounds, etc. I'm pretty sore. I would say the pain is moderate. Like a 6 1/2. My entire hip and upper thigh area is a giant green bruise larger than my head, and it's spread up onto the lower part of my stomach near my groin. I can't remove the bandage until tomorrow, but I can only imagine how bruised it'll be. I have low iron anemia and it makes me bruise really easily.

Tampa General Hospital was beautiful as always. I was there probably about 6 hours. My groin area is killing me though. I am laying in bed resting tonight in hopes of returning to work first thing in the morning. Between working long hours, taking calls during the evening and on weekends, our personal stuff, my medical stuff, and Kevin's new job. Oh! Not to mention sharing a vehicle has been making things hectic. I have practically no time for myself. What little time I do have I have been working my behind off working out at least 5-7 times a week 1 hour to 1 hour 1/2 at a time. It has been really helping me find my center, relax, focus, maybe do a little meditating. Everyone needs some me time. Kevin goes to the gym and I work out at the house. I think the fact that I keep my mat and weights and exercise cards in the bedroom in obvious sight helps energize myself to work out.

I want to be in the best physical shape possible before I go into this surgery. From what I was told by the woman I met in physical therapy who is 3 months post-op it will make my pain greater in the beginning because it's harder to tear the muscles. In the long run it will make my rehabilitation easier if I am in better shape. I have really been working hard on my thighs, quads and leg muscles. My physical therapist and new PT friend both told me that most of my strength post-op will be coming from my legs so I really took that to heart. I have been doing serious pilates/yoga/core strengthening exercises and some weight lifting for the last couple months minimum four days a week. I do about 200-250 modified Pilates ab exercises. I want to be ripped when I go into this thing. It's almost become an obsession, but in reality is also a distraction.

I can't lift, bend, or exercise for 48 hours which really aggravates me. It's only a couple days though. Overall, today's minor operation was just a very small acclimating preview of my major surgery that is to take place there in what has become a very short 36 days. I feel a little less worried after today. I am exhausted and probably not even making sense after my anesthesia earlier lol.


Final thought for the evening "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith."   ~ F.D.R. 

Always with Karma,

Amanda

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Pilates for Scoliosis is life changing

Currently, there is a lot of information out there about Pilates for Scoliosis. Through my personal experience, MODIFIED Pilates for Scoliosis is life changing. My physical therapist in Tennessee introduced me to many different exercises for my Scoliosis to help manage the pain and discomfort that come along with it. After the first couple sessions I wised up and realized that I was doing quite a few pilates exercises in physical therapy. So I started doing research. Research is kind of my thing, I'm a nerd like that. So after what probably equated to days of reading about pilates and pilates for Scoliosis, I decided to start a full on personalized workout for my unique situation.

Keep in mind, there are many different degrees and types of Scoliosis. For minor curvatures, under 30/35 degrees, you can probably run around and do a majority of exercises normally without any major discomfort. Discontinue any running or jogging immediately. I am obviously not presuming to be a doctor or medical professional and giving out medical advice of any kind. These are my personal opinions based on my experiences over the last twelve years and recommendations to me from my many surgeons. Running and jogging are high impact exercises. They wear on your joints and bones terribly. This is bad enough for a personal with a healthy spine; with an unstable Scoliotic spine it's dangerous.

If you have advanced Scoliosis, like I do, or a double major curve, again like I do, then your joints and facets are probably already unstable if not non-existent and worn away. I have a double major curve. My thoracic spine (upper) has a curvature of about 55 degrees. My lumbar spine (lower) has about a 47 degree curve and in the last couple years has begun rotating inward. Almost all of my discs are degenerating. My entire lumbar spine and the top of my spinal cord discs are bulging. Good times! So I have significant, crippling pain, and modified pilates has changed my life.  I have to share this with others.

The main goal of a pilates workout for Scoliosis is to strengthen your core muscles to take the weight of the rest of your body off of your spine and decrease the stress on your spine. You also gain greater control of the muscles in your trunk area which helps everything. In the past 5 years my body has changed completely from doing very basic and simple modified pilates exercises.

Don't get me wrong. I have very significant back pain almost every day. I am currently typing this on my laptop lying in bed with a stack of 5 pillows behind me, a tens unit on, an ice pack on my lower back and a heating pad on my upper. I have to force myself sometimes to get up and just do it! I tell myself to just stretch and do some one leg circles and a couple side kick series...then I do the hundred...the roll ups....the next thing I know I've worked out over an hour! Every time I do, I feel a thousand times better after and almost always have less pain the next day.

Side note-My quotation/apostrophe key has decided to make my life difficult, so if there are a few missing I apologize. I'm not unintelligent, my laptops just being moody. See....just did it there lol!

To start yourself with very simple low impact exercises lying on the ground a few beginners are here on this "About.com" post with photos http://pilates.about.com/od/pilatesmat/tp/BeginnerExercises.htm You can look on that page for other links to more pilates exercises and stretches! Just google lol! If you have bulging discs, like I do, and hard floors (I even do it in my carpeted rooms) try putting a couple towels or a folded quilt underneath your mat so your spine isn't pressing onto the hard floor! I learned that the hard way after two days of debilitating lower back pain. Here is another link from "About.com" for tips on some basic modification and safety to be careful you don't strain or hurt yourself. http://pilates.about.com/od/pilatesforeverybody/tp/Modifications.htm

Resistance band exercises are also fantastic. Stick it folded and pinched in half in a closed door. Pull on it really hard before you start working out to make sure its in there well. If it snaps back on you its quite painful! I prefer to sit on an exercise ball while doing my resistance band exercises, it helps strengthen the core double time! Simple rows, standing twists (preferably sitting twists on an exercise ball for extra core support!), woodchop, reverse fly, pec fly, standing chest press, and tricep and bicep extensions are quick, easy, and can all be done by sticking the band in the door at different height levels. Here is a link with instructions and photos from "TheSportsInjuryClinic.Net" for most of the above exercises. http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/rehabilitation-exercises/resistance-band-exercises1 You do not have to put the band as high up as they show in some of the clips. There are exercises under rehabilitation & exercises including exercise bands, pilates, core strengthening, back exercises, etc that are all wonderful for back pain and strengthening. 

I met a wonderful young woman at physical therapy today who is 3 months post-op and Dr. Moreno is her surgeon as well. We spoke for a while about her surgery and her recovery so far. She showed me her scar which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and nowhere near what it would've looked like if I had done it 10 years ago. It reaffirmed for me that I want to have this surgery. That's a topic for tomorrow though. 44 days until my surgery. Wow, that seems really close.

Appointment tomorrow to have an ultrasound done on my pelvis and find out what the fluid build up in my hip causing me so much pain is from. I am relieved that everything with my health is getting worked out and in a few months I am going to be a whole new woman.

Thought to close the night...Gary Kelley once said, "There's no better time than the present to be better than we were yesterday."


Always With Karma,


Amanda Marie

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Spinal Reconstruction - 49 Days and Counting

Today was hard, physically. I pulled my back out yesterday doing the dishes and just couldn't do my exercises today. Very disappointing. I have been very aggressive with my pilates, strength training, and physical therapy. I want to be RIPPED before this surgery. I have lost 3 pounds in the last couple weeks, unintentionally, and gained a lot of strength and muscle mass. Throughout my childhood I was always very athletic and involved in lots of extra-curriculars that kept me in fantastic shape. Dance, gymnastics, acrobatics, long distance running, cheerleading, marching band (much more physical than people think, some parades are FIVE MILES LONG and carrying a flute AND a piccolo isn't as easy as it looks in Florida!), dancing foolishly as young girls do, man hunt every weekend with the neighborhood kids, knee boarding, tubing, etc.The doctors say if not for this I may have had a much more severe curvature than I do. Thanks Mom and Dad for always keeping me over booked and over achieving!

As an adult with a salaried job that requires irregular hours with many unexpected changes and emergencies, a full time boyfriend, an eight year old boy, seven animals, and a household to maintain it makes setting time aside for myself very difficult. These last few weeks since I met with my AMAZING and GENIUS surgeon, Dr. Anthony Moreno, I have become very diligent with my physical and mental exercises. This is not something I can go into lightly.

For those of you unaware of what a spinal reconstruction consists of I'll sum it up. I have degenerative scoliosis. I was diagnosed at 14, too late for bracing correction. I went to Shriner's Hospital in Tampa and they found I have what is called a double major curve. The top curve (thoracic spine) was around 45 degrees, and my bottom curve (in the lumbar spine) was around 35 degrees. They said they wanted me to have a spinal fusion. A full spinal fusion, from my T-1 (thoracic 1, the first vertebra in the uppermost area of my spine) to my T-12 (lowest of upper spine) and from my L-1 (lumbar top vertebra) to my L-5. So they were going to cut me from neck bone to bottom bone, rip apart all my muscles, take bone marrow out of my thigh (which they say is as if not more painful than the back surgery), break every bone in my spine, put it in a straighter position, then fill it with the harvested bone marrow, and piece it all together with about 1 1/2 pounds of rods, pins, and plates. At the time it was a twelve hour surgery and I was to be in the hospital two weeks to a month, return to school after three to six months. The scar was repulsive, and they said I would lose about 25% of my mobility and range of motion. There is a 1 in 1000 risk of neurological damage, paralysis, losing control of my bladder and/or bowels, the list went on. NO WAY! I was fourteen. My father said that it was my decision because it was going to effect me for the rest of my life. I wasn't ready and refused surgery. At the time I had minor discomfort, obvious minor physical deformity, but that wasn't worth the risks to me. We decided on the monitor progression of curvature route and consider surgery at a later date.

It turns out I was darn lucky to make that decision, because the metal they were using at that time has had a high failure rate and many people's body's have been rejecting the metal and they have had to completely have it removed and redone. The issue with this is sometimes they can not go back in through the original scar, they go through your stomach, under your breast, through your armpit or neck. So after five adjustments, you have scars on every area of your body. No thank you.

In the last twelve years (am I really that old lol?!?) they have made leaps and bounds in regards to the entire procedure, techniques, the recovery process, the way they harvest the bone marrow, so waiting was the best decision. Around 20 I started having some significant discomfort and pain. I have seen multiple orthopedic and spinal surgeons all the way from Tampa to Nashville. I had a great Spinal Surgeon in Nashville. They always want to give me pain meds, but I refuse. This is not a solution, it is a mask, and a dangerous one at that. At the time I was probably 21 and he said I could closely monitor it's progression over the next five to ten years and when the curvature and/or pain became too severe to cope with, that we would do the surgery.

This is when I met Amanda Andrews, Orthopedic Physical Therapist and co-owner of Results Physiotherapy in Hendersonville, TN. She changed my life. She introduced me to pilates, core strengthening exercises, band exercises, exercise and medicine ball workouts, the list goes on and on. If not for her, my curvatures would have progressed more rapidly and I would've either been disabled, or had this surgery a few years ago. She worked with me for about two years and taught me how to strengthen my core to carry the weight of my spine to take the extra stress off it, therefor helping my pain and discomfort.

Fast forward to 2009. My pain is debilitating, some days when my hip/pelvis/lower lumbar spine "pops out of place" as I call it I am literally paralyzed. My entire body contorts into the position the curvatures are trying to deform me into, and nothing helps. Initially, it would only last 30 minutes to an hour or two. Then a couple months later, my left hip begins popping as I walk, workout, basically whenever it feels like it. I can not stand or sit longer than 30 minutes at a time. I have a tens unit, ice packs, heating pads, and lived on ibuprofen and celebrex. I had some MRI's done November of 2009 and they said despite the advanced curvatures and my joints all being out of place, that "remarkably" there was not serious degeneration, bulging, herniation, etc. So I said okay, let's watch and wait a little longer.

By the summer of 2010, the pain and discomfort was so intense I would cry from frustration. I would take literally an eighth of a pain pill because they make me sick and I can't drive, work, or function normally, and it would do nothing. December 16, 2010, I fainted in my home twice after having felt very weak and tired for a few weeks and Kevin took me to the ER. Good thing, because I had been walking around with a bleeding ulcer for weeks without knowing. The doctor said you normally need between 13-16 units of blood in your body to live. I had less than seven. He said if I had gone to sleep, I would have had a heart attack and died within 6 hours! All from the ibuprofen, it ate a whole in my upper stomach and the bleed was so slow I didn't notice.

So here we are, November 2011. My boss got me great health insurance, and I found my savior (let's hope) Dr. Moreno. I had three MRI's a couple weeks ago and the situation has changed drastically in the last two years. Every single disc in my spine is bulging, even my S-1 (top of my spinal cord), there is disc desiccation (beginnings of degeneration), and none of my joints or nerves are where they should be. I also have a massive amount of fluid filling a cul-de-sac in my pelvis that I have to go have an ultrasound on next week. So, the surgery is a must.

The doctor said my lumbar spine is beginning to turn inwards, and that within five to ten years my heart and/or lungs are going to be compromised by the position my ribs have been pulled into, or out of I guess. He said he could do the top half, but only correct it 50%, and then do the lower half later, again only 50% correction. But that's two surgeries, two recoveries, and only half the success. If he does the entire spine at once he can correct it to less than 20 degrees!!! That's practically no scoliosis. He said my shoulders will be level, my rib, back, hip, thigh, and all the other associated pains should be alleviated at least 80%! So it's a go.

I'm freaking out, it's an eight hour surgery. I'll be in the hospital 5-10 days. He said I'm in such great shape hopefully only 5 days. No work, car rides, twisting, turning, bending, lifting, for 3-6 weeks. It will take a year for the fusion to take hold. He is going to take the marrow out of my spine rather than my hip, and the other half from a cadaver (ugh!). He said I won't be able to ever lay my palms flat on the ground again, but that I'm so flexible now I should be able to touch my fingers to the floor once I'm fully healed (after a year). My curves have progressed to 54 and 45, and there is no reason to keep waiting. Not to mention, I'm 26 years old and my boyfriend and I want to have children. Getting this over, done, and out of the way now is the best decision. I just have to keep telling myself this.

I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow to continue the mental preparation, and I am trying to not look at any photos or literature regarding the surgery that scares me away again. I have an amazing support system. The most wonderful and loving boyfriend a woman could ever ask for, my brother is a paramedic, my father is a nurse, my mother is a teacher and very caring, my bestest best friend who said she'll come over after work the first few weeks/months, the list goes on and on. I'm sure Dominic will be very helpful as well. He was great with Kevin. Getting ice and drinks and bringing him food and propping up pillows for him. He helped connect and disconnect his different physical therapy machines, he was amazing.

I can't believe it's happening in 49 days! That seems so close. Oh my, I am going to continue to blog and keep this online journal (much easier than the old spiral notebooks I've been using since I was four) throughout the entire process. My doctor got me in contact with a wonderful Scoliosis support group, so I think I have all my ducks in a row. And soon, my spine will be too!!!! Goodbye neck, back, rib, hip, shoulder and thigh pain! Hello new improved Amanda! Despite the fact I'll be like the terminator and set off every metal detector I ever walk through. They said I get a card lol, signed by a dr or the AMA showing I have this metal in my back. Cool lol!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Letting Go and Healing

I've been working very hard lately with my surgeon, boyfriend, counselor, friends and family to let go of my negative feelings and look positively towards the future and the great things coming our way. I read today that "When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." ~Alexander Graham Bell~

I refuse to miss my open door. Things have been going so well for us lately. My surgery is scheduled, Kevin started a wonderful new job not too far from our home, my productivity at work has increased exponentially, the list goes on and on.

Though we are facing many troubles as well, I will not allow outside evil-doers to affect my personal healing and the growth of our relationship. We have grown so much closer these last few months. We have been discussing marriage, children, and the fact that we are both certain we are soulmates and meant to spend the rest of our lives together. He sent me gorgeous flowers with a poem, written by his own hand, while I was taking care of him after surgery. These are the things I focus on and remove the negative bitterness I have for his ex from my mind.

It is very hard to not allow her malicious and vindictive actions to hurt me, but it's almost been three years now. She's obviously incapable of growing, learning, and changing and at this point I have come to grips with that. She will always be an immature, selfish, self serving, mentally unstable, delusional, dishonest, vein, hideous inside and out, just a monster. I feel she is channeling the devil and needs an exorcism. This will never happen, so I will never allow her attempts to hurt me, Kevin, their child (whether intentionally or not) or our relationship again. A single defeat is not a final defeat. If she had only acted like a mature 35 year old woman and come to us and said hey, Chuck is getting a job in California and we want to move, how do we work this out. We would have done almost anything to accommodate them. We would have even considered relocating.

In the beginning, if she had come to me and said she was still in love with Kevin and wanted to reconcile with him, I would have GLADLY walked away. But instead she did what she does best, lie, deceive, manipulate, and play mind games with everyone involved, including their son.

That is the part that hurts me the deepest. The fact that Dominic has been thrown into the middle of her treachery and the damage will never be undone. How she thinks that moving him across the country away from his loving and caring, involved father is the best decision for HIM...well, let's get real here. The woman is selfish, and delusional. Just to clarify here that I'm not just name calling, I truly feel she is clinically delusional.

Definition of delusional: "A delusion is a false belief held with absolute conviction despite superior evidence.[1] Unlike hallucinations, delusions are always pathological (the result of an illness or illness process).[1] As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, dogma, poor memory, illusion, or other effects of perception."

So, would brainwashing your child into thinking that his loving and caring father is abusive because you are still in love with him and want him removed from your life delusional? Is lying in emails saying the child has been on level in school in prior years, when we have report cards and emails from her stating that he is behind in reading and math and may fail delusional? After child protective services does a thorough investigation of her false, slanderous, malicious and exaggerated  accusations and finds them to be totally unfounded and untrue and closes the case and she STILL wants to bring up allegations of abuse delusional? Is saying you have your child's best interests at heart but moved his school three times in less than three years while he is failing miserably and then plan to uproot him and move him across the country in the middle of the year, away from his father and family delusional? Is marrying a man for money and the opportunity to sit on your ever widening butt and mooch off yet another poor unsuspecting soul so you can pop out another child at almost 40 and pretend being a stay at home mom of a school aged child is a full time job delusional? How about this, blogging that your ex ruined your credit when you came into your marriage with $32,000 of debt, were being evicted from your apartment, your car was about to be repossessed, and he paid it all off for you delusional? Claiming you always worked full time when in actuality you worked for about two years of your entire 6 year marriage delusional? I know, saying you are a self made woman when the car you drive he bought you, the student loans you paid off with the $40,000 he gave you when he sold HIS home that you paid nothing towards, that's definitely not delusional. She needs to be submitted for psychiatric evaluation and put on medication.

Anywho.....she has sewn her seeds of evil and nothing will grow from her garden of doom other than poison and hurt. She has no one to blame but herself. We got the Guardian Ad Litem we'd been so desperately requesting, and I know now that all of her lies and manipulations will come to the surface and she will be seen for what she really is.

On the plus side, I am preparing mentally and physically for my spinal reconstruction on January 19. I am afraid, apprehensive, excited, and relieved all at the same time. This is on the level of open heart surgery or brain surgery, but I am not going to allow myself to think about those things and psych myself out of the operation for a third time. I have been postponing this since I was 14, and it's time. I am at my prime, I am in the best physical condition I've been in since high school and mentally am ready this time.

I have almost full control of all operations within my companies, yes I actually manage 3 corporations full time and two others part time, and am no longer allowing my boss' father to drive me crazy and make my work more difficult with his old school ways. We have a beautiful home, a healthy child (other than the psychological and emotional abuse his mother is subjecting him to), a wonderful relationship, great jobs, precious animals, healthy family and friends, and nothing to do but look forward to more good fortune and happiness.

I know things are going to work out for us in the end (in regards to our current custody/legal battles) because we ONLY have Dominic's best interests and development in mind. All she can think about is her relationship with her new husband. She has said before that her hatred for Kevin clouds her judgement, and that is where she is now. I try to remind myself what she went through as a child and that maybe she just can't help herself, but I won't make excuses for her any longer. This time, she has gone too far. After everything she has done to Kevin and I (I will NEVER go into it on here because it's just too humiliating), I can say from the bottom of my heart that I have never on one occasion done anything to hurt or harm her, her relationship with her son, his image of her, etc. I have actually advocated for her when her and Kevin would disagree and she would want him to make concessions and exceptions for her and give up more time or another weekend and tell him to just let her have it, that if you give, you will receive. Putting positive energy and vibes into the universe only returns such. She has maliciously and intentionally dedicated years of her life to hurting Kevin and I all because he didn't want to reconcile with her, and it will come back to her.

Ann Landers said, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." I will not allow this for one more day. If she wants to live playing the constant victim, self-loathing, and suffering that's her path. I will not allow this woman into our world ever again. She can play her vindictive games and lie to the courts and everyone she knows, but she will be seen for what she is. This is karma, and it's coming our way. Positive for us.....

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Waiting for Kevin

So here I sit at the Florida Orthopedic Institute in Tampa. Oddly enough, when we pulled into the plaza this morning we realized this is the same surgery center that performed by little brother's emergency talus bone reconstruction after his motorcycle accident in July. This gives me a very optimistic outlook on Kevin's operation, because they did such a great job with Adam and his injury was far more severe than Kevin's. 

I have always been  a worry wart. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2 am, and then woke up around 5 unable to fall asleep again. Kevin was sleeping and snoring next to me around 10:30 pm, obviously unfazed by his impending operation. I lied in bed, with a million worries running through my mind. I knew I should have taken a melatonin but I upped my dosage from 5 to 10 mg, and have felt groggy the last couple times I took it. I didn't want to risk feeling foggy or sluggish today.

As I waited with him in the pre-op area, he seemed totally at ease with going into surgery. Acting as if it's a simple walk in the park and could care less. How I wish I was able to brush my worries off my shoulder like he can.

The surgeon, Dr. Grant Garlick, came out a moment ago and told me the surgery went very well and he is going into recovery any moment. Ah...I can breath a sigh of relief. I knew there was practically no chance of complications, but I still worry when someone I love is being put under anesthesia and going under a knife. He said he took part of his hamstring and put it in place of his non-existent ACL. He removed a bone spur on his knee, and cleaned up some cartilage to try to help with his arthritis. So happy!

I can't wait until he wakes up and I can take him home. Now for the contraptions! A physical therapist came to the house yesterday and brought a couple machines he will have to use over the next week to keep range of motion in his knee and stop his legs from forming blood clots. Hopefully, he will not be in too much pain or bed ridden. We shall see.

After watching Adam go through emergency surgery after his wreck July 12, I have had my fill of surgery and recoveries for a while. Unfortunately, I need back surgery very soon. After nursing Adam, and now Kevin back to health, at least I know I will not be short on caregivers. This is comforting. I guess I owe Kevin for saving my life in December and taking such excellent care of me in the hospital and the weeks following at home while I recovered, very slowly.

All in all, wonderful news. I can't wait until he is fully healed and can resume his normal activities. I told him I am going to try to schedule my operation/s in the beginning of November or December and we can heal together. Once fully operational again, I would like us to participate in an adventure race together. Long distance running has always held a special place in my heart. With the condition of my back, I haven't been able to run more than 2 1/2 miles in years. I can't wait!