So today was very difficult pain wise. I woke up with my hip/pelvis, what I call, popped out of place and my pain level ranges from a 7-10 and then frequently surges WELL above that. When this happens there are two options. Option 1 is lay in bed alternating ice and heat while wearing my tens unit and hope that it will subside in 4-8 hours. Option 2 is put on the tens unit and ice pack and go about my life fighting and suffering through it and randomly screaming and yelling very loudly when the pain surges.
So today, only 11 days from surgery...I fought through the pain. I have things that I need to get done! Lots of things. Especially since I'm only 11 days from surgery! We just painted our room but there were some finishing touches to be put on it. I still want to pain all of the baseboards and closet doors in my house just to brighten it up. I am going to be a patient/prisoner in my own home for the next few months and I want to make it as calming, pleasant, and conducive to healing as possible. Today is January 8th and I still haven't taken down my Christmas decorations. The floors need to be cleaned, the entire house needs to be dusted, windows washed, dinner cooked, let's not even broach the laundry subject. I can't lie in bed paralyzed and immobile all day long! Screw it!
Before, I was trying to save my back and prevent further damage and pain. Now that I'm 11 days out, whatever. How much worse could I possibly make it by not resting while I should be when the whole thing is being reconstructed/fused/etc in 11 days? If I wasn't scheduled for surgery, I would have been bed ridden today. I simply don't have the time for that right now. Speaking of, I was watching some movie a couple nights ago and the woman says, "I simply don't have the time for the nervous breakdown I deserve." That is exactly where I am right now. With everything going on from surgery and my many tests and doctors appointments, the stress this is going to put on Kevin my friends and family, work, custody battle, Kevin's work, worrying everyday all day long about his son, life in general, maintaining our home and 7 animals, the list never ends...I could use a day of laying in bed and crying it out. There's simply not time for that in the schedule! Lol.
So I'm pushing through, putting it out of my mind as best I can (while also unable to stop it from consuming the back of my mind 100% of the day) and getting everything pre-surgery necessary I possibly can done. The pain I am experiencing today makes me 100% ready to get this over with. Just a few more months of excruciating pain and then I will hopefully be 80-90% pain free. I was considering waiting/postponing two nights ago. I started having a severe anxiety attack while we were watching Cowboys and Aliens. The aliens were cutting and examining the humans on these tables and I started thinking about how that's practically going to be me in a couple weeks and I started hyperventilating and shaking. Then I started crying and telling Kevin how I can't do this right now and want to hold off a couple-few weeks to emotionally and mentally prepare myself a little more.
Today, all of those feelings are gone and I can't wait any longer. The pain is more intense than my bleeding ulcer, broken/fractured bones, stepping on a sting ray, being shot at close range with a bee-bee or paintball gun, cutting the tip of your finger deep with a knife, etc...I can't even explain. I can't drive because the slightest turn or twitch even by simply taking a deep breath sends the sharpest pains through my hip and pelvis that I scream in pain and would definitely wreck if I were in control of a vehicle. Then the rest of my back and ribs begin to ache and throb from compensating and standing in such a way to ease the hip pain as best possible. The only solution to this very large problem is the surgery. I have been putting this off for 14 years. It's time. I have found an amazing surgeon and my boss and family are on board. On my good days when my pain and discomfort is a 3-6, which is average for me and totally tolerable, I question if I want to go through with this. On days like today, I'd let them start cutting me while awake if I knew it would make it stop..eventually.
I know that I have a very long road of severe pain that I can't even comprehend. Ultimately though, the final outcome is going to be well worth it. And I'm going to be almost 3 inches taller! Woohoo! I'm super excited about that! Straight shoulders and hips, and NO MORE PAIN! In a few months. I have a very large mountain to climb, but once I reach the bottom I will have completed an entire transformation. Physically, emotionally, mentally, possibly spiritually, and I can not wait to be on the other side of the mountain. With a much straighter spine and none of this debilitating pain.
By the way, my friend Monique I met at physical therapy who is 4 months post-op and had a more severe case than I do, started a Scoliosis support site on facebook. She is an amazing woman and has been such an inspiration to me. I am so happy and thankful that I have met her. When I start to freak out and get worried and have questions, she is the only person who can really ease my mind. Only someone who has actually been through what you're going through can relate to you and give you tips and advice based on their own personal experience. Without her, I would have postponed this. They say everyone comes into your life for a reason, and I am seeing more and more that this is true. Monique was sent to me to help me through this and hopefully, vice versa.
Here is the link http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stay-Ahead-of-the-Curve/160880477349748 Please, if you visit like the page for us. I hope to help her work on an actual website soon. Between her graphic design skills and my computer/html/etc knowledge I know we can do this. She created the name, logo, and slogan "When life throws you a curve." She also sent me a beautiful pin that I will wear proudly every day. The long term goal is early detection and greater awareness to prevent cases like hers, mine, and so many others from getting as severe as it can and does and possibly avoiding life complicating and altering surgery.
Gotta go get the ice pack out of the freezer. Only 11 days until recovery begins. I'm petrified, but I can't wait.
My quote for today, "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel on our journey" ~ Kenji Miyazawa
Always With Karma,
Amanda
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